No.10 - Tools
Say the word “tool” and the rows of miter saws at Home Depot dance in a guy's head. Good job fella, gifts like that should always be avoided. This includes anything used for manual labor -- household items for chores, products for gardening or anything that will involve her breaking a sweat. It doesn't matter if she hates the vacuum or needs a new hand mixer for holiday cooking; they are still associated with work. Work is never romantic. Unless you are a professional gigolo.
No.9 - Advertised jewelry
Jewelry is an incredibly romantic gift if -- big if -- you take the time to pick it out for her. It shows you are paying attention to her tastes. It's lazy to just buy whatever deal is on sale, and it’s extra pathetic to buy any jewelry advertised on TV or “designed” by a celebrity. What the hell does Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman know about necklace design? This is one of the least romantic gifts because it shows you have no originality, and thousands of other women will have the same necklace or bracelet as your girlfriend.
No.8 - Workout gear
She loves to work out, so the gift makes sense. Wrong. It doesn’t matter if her gym clothes are one wash away from disintegrating; buying workout gear is like saying: “Here is extra motivation to get your fat ass into the gym.” May the sweet Lord save your soul if you get the wrong size athletic bra or spandex pants. It goes without saying that exercise equipment is also one of the least romantic gifts -- ever.
No.7 - Gift certificates
A gift certificate is a great way to say: “I know nothing about you, so here; go buy yourself something from a store I think girls like you would shop in.” It also takes roughly three minutes for the entire gift certificate transaction. Do you really want your girlfriend or wife thinking you spent three minutes on her gift? Then again she does know you do plenty of things for only three minutes, so she shouldn’t be shocked. Oh, and money as a gift? Are you her grandmother or her partner? Put that checkbook back in your desk, you ninny. That is most definitely one of the least romantic gifts you can give your girlfriend.
No.6 - A self-help book
Sure she’d love to control her temper, be more outgoing in social situations or learn to meditate, but these are personal battles she’d rather fight on her own terms and through her own methods. She doesn’t want the one she loves to present her with a book to solve all her problems. You are supposed to think she is perfect. Regardless of whatever personal issues she needs to work through, she doesn't need to be reminded of them on her birthday or on your anniversary. She doesn't gift wrap a can of Right Guard for you, does she?
No.5 - A pet
Ignore those commercials and movies where the man surprises a woman with an adorable puppy or a cuddly little kitten. While a pet is an incredibly cute gift, it’s also a huge responsibility -- which is why it’s one of the least romantic gifts, when you think about all the work a pet entails. A puppy needs training, love and attention. Plus the added bills -- veterinarian, food, toys, and a ton of other things that might stretch her wallet. If you get her a pet, you can forget about having sex for a while. Not in front of Mr. Waffles. He‘s watching.
No.4 - A stuffed animal
Here is a great rule of thumb when buying a woman a romantic gift: Stop and ask yourself if this is something you would have done for a girl when you were 12 years old. If the answer is yes, it’s one of the least romantic gifts you can get her. Unless your partner is in high school, or insane, a stuffed animal is tacky. Especially the kind that come with sets of perfume, chocolates or any product that doesn’t need a stuffed monkey to make a sale. Flowers are incredibly romantic. Flowers held by a dog with a heart on his chest that says "I RUFF YOU" is a crime against common sense punishable by a swift punch in the nuts.
No.3 - A gag gift
The gag gift is funny -- for the first three minutes. Usually just to the guy. Then the giggling subsides (seriously, stop giggling dude) and she is left with a fish that sings or a mug that says “Work Sucks” when you push the button on the handle. Then this least romantic gift is a dust collector that sits in her closet until you turn your back and she throws it out or you break up and she tells friends about the terrible gift over drinks: "Remember that guy I dated who bought me the Snuggie? It was the only thing in our relationship that kept me warm." Ouch, that is rough.
No.2 - Sexy lingerie
It seems like a good idea, right? Something sexy for the bedroom for her, something sexy for the bedroom for you, too. Unfortunately, men and women are miles apart in the lingerie-buying department. Women want sexy yet practical. Men head straight for the Wild West hooker department. Sure she might wear it once to appease you, but it will get stuffed so far in her underwear drawer the wood will get a wedgie. Save the lingerie for a joint shopping trip. At least then you can be there when she tries it on.
No.1 - Porn
When buying a romantic gift, if it's something your best friend would also find awesome, put it back. Some women do like an occasional peek at on-screen nookie. It seems forbidden and naughty and gets them in the mood for the next three minutes of pleasure. But don't get too optimistic; porn is not something women want to see constantly, and it's definitely not something she wants to keep on a shelf with her other DVDs.
No comments:
Post a Comment